Dear Reverend,
My girlfriend’s best friend is a gay guy. Whenever the three of us hang out together, he often makes sexual remarks about me. He touches me a lot and has gone so far as trying to kiss me a couple of times. I’ve told my girlfriend that it makes me uncomfortable, but she says he’s just joking around and I should let it go. Other than that, I think he’s great, but it’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to be around him so much. How do I get him to stop without coming across like a homophobe?
Leif Malone (man, 28)
Dear Leif Malone,
If a gay person is acting like a jerk and it bothers you, that’s not being homophobic. You’re upset with their behavior as a human being, not with their sexual orientation.
He’s your girlfriend’s best friend, so I’d suggest that she talk to him about it. It’s not very cool of her to tell you to laugh it off. If one of your straight guy friends were always making sexual comments about her and trying to grab her ass, would she find it funny? Put it to her that way, and perhaps she’ll better understand how you’re feeling.
And the next time he makes an inappropriate remark, be straight with him — pun intended — and tell him to please knock it off. You can say that even though he thinks he’s being funny, you don’t appreciate his sense of humor. If you’re firm, taking that stand once or twice ought to do the trick.
If neither of these ideas works, you may need to remove yourself from the situation for a little bit. The next time they hang out, do something else without them. Once your girlfriend and her pal realize that his behavior is causing a rift, maybe they’ll catch on to the fact that sexual harassment isn’t funny — especially when it’s coming from someone who’s supposed to be a friend.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in Oct 4-10, 2023.