Dear Reverend,
My partner and I have an open relationship with a 100 percent honest communication policy — or at least I thought we did. The other day, I found a phone hidden in one of his drawers with salacious texts from multiple people. Should I confront him about it?
C. Landestine (woman, 26)
Dear C. Landestine,
Let me get this straight. You were snooping on a phone that was obviously his, and you read messages he’s been getting from people he hasn’t told you about? The issue you need to confront is that neither one of you is holding up your end of the “honest communication policy” bargain.
Having an open relationship is great — in theory — but not every couple has what it takes to make it work. A relationship needs to be rock solid before you bring other people into the equation. It requires an enormous amount of trust and an almost superhuman ability to avoid jealousy and resentment. It’s not just a carefree, sexy, fun free-for-all.
Here’s a scenario I’ve seen happen a number of times: One half of a couple wants to have an open relationship. The other half might not be so keen on the idea but goes along with it because they don’t want to lose their partner. Then the eager partner dives in and gets a lot of action while the other doesn’t. Does that ring any bells for you?
Why did you find the phone in the first place? The fact that you said it was “hidden” makes me think you didn’t just stumble across it while putting away laundry. I have a feeling you were poking around because you suspected something like this was happening. Now you’re upset with him — and probably yourself.
If you really want to be honest with each other, you need to start by getting to the bottom of why he was keeping secrets from you — and why you were looking to find them.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in Nov 22-28, 2023.
