Dear Scarlett,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few years. When we first met, he told me he had a porn addiction that he was actively working on quitting. I didn’t mind, but now it’s been four years and he still hasn’t stopped. I never minded my significant other watching porn before, but with him it makes me feel inferior. To make matters worse, I have expressed on numerous occasions that his habit hurts me and that I wish he’d stop, but he still does it. Am I asking too much? Should his disregard for my feelings be a deal breaker?
Signed,
Need Support(female, 26)
Dear Need Support,
There’s a difference between watching porn and being addicted to it. Since your partner admitted that he’s addicted, you should treat it as such. Addiction is a serious condition.
A lot of people think that controlling addiction is a matter of willpower. It’s not. Addiction removes one’s ability to control his or her behavior and its consequences. Your boyfriend is not behind the wheel right now. His addiction is driving his behavior, and it’s more powerful than he is.
Addiction is a progressive illness, which means that it can get worse without treatment. The good news is that sex and porn addicts can recover and repair their lives — if they are willing to accept help.
The best outcome is that your boyfriend seeks recovery. Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous is a 12-step program for “anyone who suffers from an addictive compulsion to engage in or avoid sex, love or emotional attachment.” S-Anon is for family and friends of sex/porn addicts. Both programs are free and offer online and in-person meetings. There are also licensed therapists in the area who specialize in sex addiction.
You boyfriend may resist, but that shouldn’t stop you. Addiction not only affects the addict, it affects loved ones, too. You said his behavior hurts you and makes you feel inferior. Attending an SLAA or S-Anon meeting can help relieve some of that burden and give you the skills to help him seek recovery and follow through.
Bottom line: You are not alone, and you are not asking too much. Need Support, you do need support. This is your life, too.
Love,
Scarlett
This article appears in May 16-22, 2018.
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Need some support, female, 26.
My advice is look into Gale Dines (There are many talks and lectures on You Tube) and Culture Reframed her web site dealing with issues of pornography and prostituted people, Also the Nordic Model. Any amount of pornography is unacceptable and purchasing of prostituted people is harmful to all of us especially females of all ages and male children. We live in a global pornified culture and any porn watching becomes addictive especially considering the average male is exposed to it by age 12. Scarlet doesn’t have a clue to what she is talking about and she should really do more research on this subject; Gale Dines can help her here too.
Need support (Female 26)
My advice is to check out Gale Dines and her web site Culture Reframed. You can also find several Talks and interviews with Gale Dines on You Tube. There is also a movement to prevent trafficking and prostituted people through legislation coined by the Swedish legislation “The Nordic Model”
The average male is first introduced to pornography by age 12 and they quickly develop a habit for life.
I think Scarlet is very misguided by our pornofied culture as most people are these days and I wouldn’t take her advice that some porn is OK to watch and or participate in as in the 3rd wave not feminists so called sex positive “sex worker” ie prostituted peoples. I hope this is more helpful than what Scarlet offers.