Dear Athena,

I developed cancer two years ago, and now I am cancer free. I am very proud of my recovery. I am excited to live life to the fullest. I have had the same partner through the whole thing, and he helped me recover. He was there for me when I lost my hair and was really sick, and he took time off to help when I had surgeries. Now that I am better, I want to end the relationship. I want to date other people, but I feel bad for breaking up with him. Am I an awful person? Is he going to hate me?

Signed,

Healthy and Unhappy

Dear Healthy,

First of all, congrats on the clean bill of health. What a happy ending to a frightening journey.

You are not an awful person because you fell out of love. There is nothing wrong with having a new lease on life that inspires you to want different things. Your partner’s loyalty and caregiving may make you feel guilty about it, but the heart wants what it wants. However uncomfortable and sad that makes you, it’s a fact all the same.

Give yourself a break. Your relationship — your life — was put through the wringer, and it would be unreasonable to expect that you’d come out unchanged. Just because you had this challenging and extraordinary experience together does not guarantee a lifelong commitment or true love. Sometimes we assume that a life-altering experience will bring us closer, but that’s not always true. Even without your illness, who’s to say this relationship would have lasted? Don’t make the breakup about cancer. It’s about a relationship that has simply run its course.

Is he going to resent you? Maybe. Will he be angry or sad? Probably. But there’s a good chance he would have felt those things anyway — most folks don’t enjoy being broken up with. Don’t stay with him out of guilt or obligation. If the relationship ends now and you’re honest about how you feel and what you need, you two might even stay friends. But if you hold on because you think you have to, you’re likely to resent him. If he’s upset, give him time to figure out how he feels. Try to be as sensitive and supportive as he’s been to you.

This hard journey has no doubt taught you that it’s your life to live. Be kind, but don’t let anything stop you from living it to its fullest.

Yours,

Athena

This article appears in Nov 9-15, 2016.

2 replies on “Now That I’m Recovered, I Want to Leave My Partner”

  1. Are you kidding me!? Why didn’t you break up with him while he was bending over backwards for you if you didn’t love him anymore? Was he your convenient emotional crutch? Your fair-weather nurse/breadwinner? I agree with Athena that staying with him won’t help now but if you feel shitty about your actions it’s with good reason. You could have set him free much earlier. I can’t imagine your transition out of love occurred the moment your oncologist told you you were in remission.

  2. You can love someone without being in love with them. I don’t want anyone to feel a personal obligation to me, but sometimes people need one another and what may not work out at the time may be instead a time of personal growth for both people. In this case perhaps you were shown love which got you through a health crisis which may now lead to your soul mate. the one who took care of you now knows how to love someone at their most difficult times and in turn grew as a more empathetic soul in the process. Any love however short or long is a gift. Be well

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