Originally published August 14, 1996.

No, you weren’t hearing things. That was the name of Bernie Sanders reverberating over the loudspeakers at the Republican National Convention in San Diego Monday. Quite the honor, eh? Thank you,Susan Sweetser.

“This will be an historic election. Why?” asked Susie Creamcheese from the podium. “Because we have the opportunity to replace the most liberal, most out-of-touch member of Congress, Bernie Sanders!”

Sweetser went on to declare, “I’m a second-generation American. I’m a mom of two daughters. I’m also a teacher, and I’m a victim of a brutal crime. But I fought back! In 1990 I founded Survivors of Crime, and in the past year after a battle that lasted over a decade, I passed Vermont’s historic Crime Victims Bill of Rights.”

Sounds pretty good, huh? Susie Creamcheese’s 90 seconds on the San Diego stage betrayed none of the di culties her campaign to unseat Sanders is facing back in Vermont.

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Peter Freyne, 1949-2009, wrote the weekly political column "Inside Track," which originated in the Vanguard Press in the mid 1980s; he brought it to Seven Days in 1995. He retired it shortly before his death in January, 2009. We all miss him.