Burlington is many things, but an international center of high fashion it isn’t. Sure, there’s Karl Lagerfeld’s island vacation home, and our state inspired a New York Fashion Week line earlier this year. But that’s about it. But just because we’re not uber-fashionable, that doesn’t mean we actually dress badly, does it?

Let’s ask GQ Magazine. According to GQ, Burlington is the 28th-worst dressed city in America. That makes our fair city more poorly dressed than other urban-hippie enclaves such as Boulder, Colorado and Portland, Oregon. But we’re better off than San Francisco, Austin and Las Vegas.

The ranking itself isn’t exactly inaccurate, as sightings of fashion disasters are near daily occurrences in the Queen City. Hippie ponchos are in, for example, year round. Half of the college population can’t be bothered with more than sweatpants and cheap rubber flip-flops when leaving the house. I’m pretty sure baby birds live in some of the beards I see everyday. Even Burlington’s hipsters always seem to be two years late to the party.

But what gets me is that GQ couldn’t elaborate on its Burlington ranking! All the other worst-dressed cities got a paragraph detailing their fashion transgressions. All we get is the photo pictured here, and three dismissive words: “Cool hat, stoner.” Ouch. Talking about what’s wrong with Burlington fashion apparently isn’t even worth the (digital) ink.

But the listing has to be taken with a grain of salt, in all fairness. I mean, this list of worst-dressed cities doesn’t even consist of cities! Brooklyn, Martha’s Vineyard, the Jersey Shore? Not cities, GQ. And the magazine included both Asbury Park, N.J. (#33), and the Jersey Shore (#19) as separate entries on the list, which suggests that GQ’s qualms are with certain groups, not cities. (Poor New Jersey.)

So what can Burlington do to up its fashion cred? Well, saving the sweatpants for a night curled up on the couch would be a start. But GQ has plenty of tips for summer fashion. (Sorry, ladies, you’re on your own — GQ is a men’s mag.) Here are some items every fashionable guy’s closet should have in 2011:

  • Cargo pants. Aren’t cargo pants already all the rage in BTV? Yes. But GQ calls this new generation of cargos “the no-bro cargo.” Now you can get the hip, skinny-jeans look, but have pockets in which to stash your weed jar and one-hitter. Practical!
  • Leather strap sandals. These are kind of like those Chaco sandals that are popular in Burlington, except made out of leather. Oh, and they cost $1760. Totally reasonable.
  • The ketchup bottle look. Who needs blaze orange when you’ve got this? P.S. Are those windbreaker pants?
  • Banana yellow shorts. Or just wear a sign that says, “Make a dick joke at my expense.” The results will be the same.
  • Ray-Bans. You can buy the Ray-Ban imposters at Downtown Threads for, like, $10. About three people will ever notice the difference.
  • The “artfully disheveled” suit. OK, snark aside, I actually love this suit. Anyone want to lend me two grand?
  • An American Eagle fisherman’s hat. I can’t decide if this look is more “Gilligan’s Island” or “90s middle school years I’d rather forget.”
  • A grinder. Um, GQ? If grinder as fashion statement happens anywhere, it’s here. Give us some credit.

Also, GQ suggests that you take a road trip with your bro and dangle an air freshner in front of his crotch. Why? We don’t know. But buy an ironic NASCAR hat with a Shell logo while you’re at it.

And BTV fashionistas, don’t let GQ’s Haterade get you down. We’ve still got New Duds, who make the best T-shirts on the planet. And there’s that cool fashion exhibit at the Shelburne Museum to visit all summer long. And what city of comparable size can match Burlington when it comes to thrift stores? Burlington’s fashion scene might not square with the mainstream, but it’s here, it’s unique, and it’s ours.

Although this town really could use an H&M. And seriously, hippies — try a little harder, will you?

This article appears in Jul 13-19, 2011.

Tyler Machado was the digital media manager at Seven Days. He mostly worked behind the scenes making sure the website, email newsletters and social media feeds stayed in tip-top shape.

29 replies on “Burlington Named One of the “Worst-Dressed Cities in America””

  1. I wish I could find the actual article online that GQ wrote. I couldn’t agree more with them. Burlington VT has taken an approach to fashion that throws everything to the wind and as I’m walking the streets I feel as though it is more en vogue to walk out the door not just looking like you haven’t showered in 3 days, but have made it into a frumpy reality. So many potentially handsome guys in this town but, damn, no wonder I’m seeing more and more lesbian couples. Step up your game gentlemen.

  3. Don’t really think this is news to anyone. Maybe just a touch of effort in daily appearance could help? People seem to think that putting in some effort in their appearance is conforming here. From what I see it might actually constitute as rebellion against the ‘VT uniform’. People seem to be disgusted anytime someone wears a shirt with buttons around here.

  4. I agree with GQ but I have to say that you can’t put all of the blame on Vermonters because it’s really about the lack of decent clothing stores available in VT. If you’re not a college kid who loves Urban Outfitters and Pacific Sun, then you’re kinda screwed. Please be advised that this is coming from someone who has only lived in VT for a short time and is used to having any store that I could possibly imagine at my fingertips. Bitter much? :/

  7. I hear you, Lauren. I mean, I’m an advocate of looking fashionable, but practical — that’s why I spent half this post making fun of the goofy and/or hilariously-expensive shit GQ wants us to wear. But I don’t think practical means dressing as if you might hike Camel’s Hump at any moment.(Of course, I wore hiking shoes and a plaid flannel to work today. I wear plaid flannel every day. And so it is.)

  8. Sorry Lauren but I have to ask. What “problem” are you a part of? Is it not giving a damn what GQ or anyone else things about what we wear? To me that isn’t a problem. That’s living your life and not worrying about small stuff or what others think. And honestly, I really could not possibly give less of a fuck about what someone from Montreal wears. I’m guessing i’m not alone with that thought.

  10. So much to riff on regarding Burlington’s sad sartorial situation. But here’s one thing I think needs addressing — our collective addiction to outdoorsy, technical or just plain practical clothing. Yes, we have bad weather and we need to wear reasonable footwear. But Montréal shares our weather and you’d never catch a Montréaler worth his maple syrup schlepping around in Keens or Danskos or mountaineering boots he picked up on consignment at Outdoor Gear Exchange. That being said, I’m currently writing this wearing a T-shirt, cut-off jean shorts and a pair of Chaco flip-flops. I am part of the problem.

Comments are closed.