Dear Reverend,
I have a question about my sexuality. I am romantically attracted to women, like a lot. But I am sexually attracted to men, not women. I don’t want to be gay. I would never go out with a dude, but I do get turned on by men. I want to be heterosexual and have a nice wife and a big family. I am lost. What is my sexuality?
Questioning Mark (man, 17)
Dear Questioning Mark,
Human sexuality is a spectrum, and nobody is completely one thing or another. Thankfully, trying to slap a label on it is becoming an outdated notion. However, a man who is only sexually attracted to men is pretty much the old textbook definition of gay. Although sexuality evolves as we mature, it’s not something we can consciously make a decision about. We are, in the words of Lady Gaga, born this way.
If you try to deny your feelings toward men and force yourself to be in a relationship with a woman, I can guarantee that neither one of you will be happy in the long run. You need to explore the reasons you don’t want to be gay. Is it because of cultural or societal pressures? Maybe your family wouldn’t approve? You might try talking to a trusted friend or counselor, or contacting a local organization like Outright Vermont (outrightvt.org) or the Pride Center of Vermont (pridecentervt.org). They can connect you with resources that might help.
It’s completely normal for a teenager to struggle with their sexual identity. Just remember: There are a million ways to be a person, and you have plenty of time to figure it all out.
Good luck and God bless,
The Reverend
This article appears in Mar 8-14, 2023.
