Burlington is many things, but an international center of high fashion it isn’t. Sure, there’s Karl Lagerfeld’s island vacation home, and our state inspired a New York Fashion Week line earlier this year. But that’s about it. But just because we’re not uber-fashionable, that doesn’t mean we actually dress badly, does it?

Let’s ask GQ Magazine. According to GQ, Burlington is the 28th-worst dressed city in America. That makes our fair city more poorly dressed than other urban-hippie enclaves such as Boulder, Colorado and Portland, Oregon. But we’re better off than San Francisco, Austin and Las Vegas.

The ranking itself isn’t exactly inaccurate, as sightings of fashion disasters are near daily occurrences in the Queen City. Hippie ponchos are in, for example, year round. Half of the college population can’t be bothered with more than sweatpants and cheap rubber flip-flops when leaving the house. I’m pretty sure baby birds live in some of the beards I see everyday. Even Burlington’s hipsters always seem to be two years late to the party.

But what gets me is that GQ couldn’t elaborate on its Burlington ranking! All the other worst-dressed cities got a paragraph detailing their fashion transgressions. All we get is the photo pictured here, and three dismissive words: “Cool hat, stoner.” Ouch. Talking about what’s wrong with Burlington fashion apparently isn’t even worth the (digital) ink.

But the listing has to be taken with a grain of salt, in all fairness. I mean, this list of worst-dressed cities doesn’t even consist of cities! Brooklyn, Martha’s Vineyard, the Jersey Shore? Not cities, GQ. And the magazine included both Asbury Park, N.J. (#33), and the Jersey Shore (#19) as separate entries on the list, which suggests that GQ’s qualms are with certain groups, not cities. (Poor New Jersey.)

So what can Burlington do to up its fashion cred? Well, saving the sweatpants for a night curled up on the couch would be a start. But GQ has plenty of tips for summer fashion. (Sorry, ladies, you’re on your own — GQ is a men’s mag.) Here are some items every fashionable guy’s closet should have in 2011:

  • Cargo pants. Aren’t cargo pants already all the rage in BTV? Yes. But GQ calls this new generation of cargos “the no-bro cargo.” Now you can get the hip, skinny-jeans look, but have pockets in which to stash your weed jar and one-hitter. Practical!
  • Leather strap sandals. These are kind of like those Chaco sandals that are popular in Burlington, except made out of leather. Oh, and they cost $1760. Totally reasonable.
  • The ketchup bottle look. Who needs blaze orange when you’ve got this? P.S. Are those windbreaker pants?
  • Banana yellow shorts. Or just wear a sign that says, “Make a dick joke at my expense.” The results will be the same.
  • Ray-Bans. You can buy the Ray-Ban imposters at Downtown Threads for, like, $10. About three people will ever notice the difference.
  • The “artfully disheveled” suit. OK, snark aside, I actually love this suit. Anyone want to lend me two grand?
  • An American Eagle fisherman’s hat. I can’t decide if this look is more “Gilligan’s Island” or “90s middle school years I’d rather forget.”
  • A grinder. Um, GQ? If grinder as fashion statement happens anywhere, it’s here. Give us some credit.

Also, GQ suggests that you take a road trip with your bro and dangle an air freshner in front of his crotch. Why? We don’t know. But buy an ironic NASCAR hat with a Shell logo while you’re at it.

And BTV fashionistas, don’t let GQ’s Haterade get you down. We’ve still got New Duds, who make the best T-shirts on the planet. And there’s that cool fashion exhibit at the Shelburne Museum to visit all summer long. And what city of comparable size can match Burlington when it comes to thrift stores? Burlington’s fashion scene might not square with the mainstream, but it’s here, it’s unique, and it’s ours.

Although this town really could use an H&M. And seriously, hippies — try a little harder, will you?

This article appears in Jul 13-19, 2011.

Tyler Machado was the digital media manager at Seven Days. He mostly worked behind the scenes making sure the website, email newsletters and social media feeds stayed in tip-top shape.

29 replies on “Burlington Named One of the “Worst-Dressed Cities in America””

  2. What does “city-dwelling” have to do with BTV? The hippest of the hip around here are still 6-12 months behind real cities, making the effort relatively pointless.

  3. ok, sure. whether its a rant against Progs or a rant against Lefties migrating to VT, it’s still a weird political rant on a post that had nothing to do with politics. you can’t blame everything on the left, it makes you sound unhinged. besides, lefties are way better dressed than righties. rich, city-dwelling limousine liberals ARE trendy fashionistas.

  4. @ Defensive Ben:In case you didn’t already know, being a Prog IS a fashion statement. And my rant was not about Progs. It was about Lefties who migrate to Vermont. In a 123-word post, the word Progressive is mentioned once. It says more about you than about me that you perceive my entire post as a screechy anti-Prog rant. Defensive much? Ha!

  5. MORDEY: congrats on taking a blog post about FASHION and finding it a way to turn into a screechy anti-Prog rant. ANYWAY…the number one on this list was Boston, if anyone’s wondering. Carhartts > baggy football jerseys and sweatpants.H&M clothes are really cheaply made, btw, although at least they’re also cheap in price, unlike American Apparel. (Less creepy ads too.)

  6. My issue with the oxymoron that is “Burlington Fashion” is that everyone seems like a parody of a pre-existing look. The “hipsters” aren’t hipsters, just like the hippies aren’t hippies and all these morons who still pop their collar aren’t, um, whatever pathetic pseudo-subculture that came from. It’s like how people who read Seven Days for news aren’t informed, or Vermonters.But yeah, it’s like a whole city with no creativity playing dress-up. And if I was playing dress-up I wouldn’t want to dress up as a hipster, or a Jersey Shore reject, or something that lame. I’d dress up as an astronaut or a dinosaur instead!

  7. I don’t know about “douchey narcissistic peacocks,” but Vermont, and Burlington in particular, is run by rich people from the City or the ‘burbs who come here to play at being hippies and organic farmers and hip Progressive politicians, all the while living off dad’s or great-grandma’s money. They call themselves Vermonters but they have no real use for the hayseeds who grew up here. And they’re so pleased with themselves! Hell, you’re not even ALLOWED in City Market unless you’re a fake hippie with your suburban blond hair in filthy dreds and sporting a bad attitude and a mystical Chinese tattoo and using dad’s money to pay your rent in the Old North End so you can be “with the people.”

  8. @carbonpenguin–yeah, it’s a city of douchey narcissistic pigeons instead. the egos are the same size, they’re just wrapped in rags.

  9. C’mon, Burlington is just not that cosmopolitan. It’s two or three years late with the trends. Burlingtonians have the fashion sense of a sea slug; they just don’t know any better, even the yunnies who show up at the farmer’s market downtown on Saturday mornings. I dress differently when I’m in London, New York or Amsterdam (that last city is my birthplace) and if I were to wear the same styles in Burlington, they wouldn’t be appreciated. But I loved the comments above by Carbonpenguin and MP’s “overgrown boys.” Right on.

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