Last Tuesday, Vermont’s phavorite jam band, Phish, announced that they would play a special benefit concert for victims of Tropical Storm Irene. Unsurprisingly, the quartet’s announcement created tremors of excitement around Vermont and across the whole of Phish phandom. No sooner had word gotten out about the phoursome’s show then dedicated Phish phollowers the country over grabbed some hula hoops, a couple djembe drums, a few pallets of Cheetos and their best water bongs, hopped in their vanagons and hightailed it to Vermont. 

They came phrom all over — New Jersey, Connecticut, New Jersey, Colorado, New Jersey — in the hope of nabbing one of the hottest tickets in town. The devoted called in sick to work so they could camp out on the sidewalk, despite the fact that the FlynnCenter box office asked them not to queue until Saturday when the tickets went on sale. When the box office opened at 10 a.m., the weary waiters rubbed the weed smoke phrom their eyes, threw off their drug rugs and stepped up to take their place in history — the show, after all, will be Phish’s phirst in its home state since 2004’s epic concert in Coventry, a big, sloppy mess if ever there was one.

By late Saturday, the show’s 10,000 tickets were sold out. All the die-hards walked away from the box office with a $75 ticket in hand (all the proceeds go to the band’s Waterwheel Foundation and the Vermont Community Foundation, which will dole out the money to appropriate phlood relief efforts). But here’s what I want to know — what are all the out-of-state phans doing until Wednesday’s show at the Champlain Valley Exposition, besides making daisy chains, crafting hemp dog leashes, swapping bootlegs and hosting sing-alongs in City Hall Park? Here’s what they should be doing — volunteering.

I submit that if you’re coming to Vermont just phor the show, you need to phind yourself some gloves  and a mask and pitch in. More than 700 residences were destroyed or significantly damaged when Irene rolled through. Sorry to harsh your mellow, but hundreds of people are homeless and without work and could really use a helping hand.

Phans might say that they’re already helping out by purchasing a ticket and dropping some cash on limited edition merch. I dig that, Moonbeam Sunflower. But before the money starts rolling in, there’s work that needs doing. And if you could phigure out a way to get your patchworked, Birkenstocked self all the way here, you can sure as hell phigure out a way to provide some assistance.

Not sure what you can do? Phair enough. Here are some ideas:

— You could phill your camper van with personal hygiene products, phirst aid items, cleaning and school supplies and food and take it to South Royalton. For a full list of this community’s needs, click here.    

— How about taking down some walls and pulling up some flooring for the Kadrik family in Waterbury?

— Perhaps you could help muck out the Hancock Town Hall basement.

— Maybe you could help phix the phence at Turner Farm on Route 100 in the Mad River Valley.

There are many more projects that you could help with. Your best bet to phind volunteer opportunities is VTResponse. If you are willing and able, they will gladly set you up with something to do. Not able to swing a hammer, carry a bucket or throw things in a dumpster? Consider writing a check the American Red Cross of Vermont and the New Hampshire Valley, the United Way of Chittenden County, the Vermont Foodbank or any number of towns accepting financial donations. Remember to earmark your contribution for flood relief.

Vermont has been good to you, no? We gave you Phish and Ben & Jerry’s and phlannel and weed. That’s right — we invented phlannel. And weed. We might have even invented patchouli, white-people dreadlocks and barefoot dancing. So consider giving back. Then when you go back to New Jersey, you can tell all your phriends how you helped save Vermont. So heady, brah.

This article appears in Sep 7-13, 2011.

Lauren Ober was a Seven Days staff writer from 2009-2011.

99 replies on “Here For Phish? How About You Lend a Phreaking Hand?”

  1. Awful piece. Besides the fact that all your suppositions are completely unsubstantiated, your tone is both alienating, and completely uninspiring. Want the Phans to get riled up? Treat them like, at their core, what they are: just good-hearted music fans who would surely lend a hand to the state that birthed their beloved Phish. You never game them a chance. I only hope (as both a Phan and a lover of VT who gave blood last week) that they give volunteering more consideration than you gave them. Shame, Ms. Ober.

  2. My question is how much money has Lauren donated to the Relief effort? How much time has she volunteered?

  3. I couldn’t make it to the show, because I’m working extra to free up some time so I can help people in my home state of PA clean up their rather destructive floods. But I donated the cost of a ticket to the VT relief efforts, because as a long time fan of Phish, I felt obligated to help a cause they deemed important. And I ask for nothing in return.Perhaps you should learn how to give gratefully and graciously as well.

  4. As a Burlington resident for close to ten years I can say Seven Days is one of the most refreshing and entertaining free papers that I have ever come across. With that said Seven Days staff as an whole are just plain ignorant and jealous of the Phish scene. Maybe not their music per say but NONE of their hipster bands could ever pull off something like this. EVER. Selling out close to 10,000 some odd tickets at ONE box office in one afternoon. So this article comes from jealously. Not to mention the stereotypes are rude and crude. Just in general stereotypes are rude and something that should not be printed in a paper I think so highly of. What other bands have done even 5 percent of what Phish has done. The answer is ZERO. So Seven Days staff I’m sorry our band does more than yours. Makes me think you should be the ones volunteering.

  5. Classic Seven Days attitude. Get a real cause. Most of those towns need skilled laborers or volunteers with machines and experience at this point. It is you who are not getting the picture here. People are coming to this because they are heartbroken about what’s happened in our idyllic home state of Vermont. If they don’t know where to go to help out, I’m sure you could research this a bit to find places for unskilled volunteers. I’m willing to bet many of the Phish fans arriving will be happy, Helping and Friendly–unlike you. Why don’t you give straight up directions for where people can help out instead of being so quick to summarily judging them for what your alternate worldview finds unsavory?

  7. These fans are literally dumping money into your economy for a RELIEF BENEFIT put on by a band who loves and calls Vermont home and you ridicule them, then ask for MORE? Probably the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen on the tronz.Nice haircut.

  9. This article is a joke, right? It must be. No “journalist” is this lazy. It must have taken, what, 5 minutes to google some Phish stereotypes? The fans that are calling in sick to work to go to the benefit show are better than the author of this article, who showed up to work to write this worthless article. I’d say “why don’t you actually help out instead of writing this dumb article?”, but you couldn’t probably help out much in the 5 minutes it took to write this piece of crap.

  10. Whoever wrote this article is a terrible journalist. Wow, a bunch of hackneyed stereotypes about hippies…I’m not sure if the writer realizes SHE LIVES IN BURLINGTON. How are phish phans any different from the hippies that reside in Burlington? The college students that attend UVM? Why such a hateful agenda against a band trying to do something positive in a time when Vermont has been bombarded with a terrible circumstance. Absolute garbage. Lets not get too hot though, its not like Seven Days is a real publication…you get what you pay for.

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