Can't Sit Down 

Dear Mistress,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years, and everything is great. I feel like we are on the same page most of the time, except when it comes to our sex drives. My boyfriend is a straight-up sex animal who wants it all the time. This can be really, fun but at the same time, a girl can get tired! If I want to take a couple of days off from sex, he goes crazy. He immediately resorts to porn, and I can tell he doesn’t feel as connected to me. I also notice he gets aggravated more easily, and I feel like he doesn’t understand why I need a break.

I know watching porn is normal and healthy, but sometimes I feel inadequate, like I can’t perform enough for him. We usually have sex once or twice per day with a day or so of rest in between here and there. I feel like that is a healthy amount. What should I do?

Signed,

Can’t Sit Down

Dear Can’t Sit Down,

It’s not unusual for couples to be on different speeds when it comes to sex drive. But if he’s in overdrive, you’re certainly not in neutral. Having sex once or twice per day with a break here and there is a respectful amount of hanky-panky.

You say you “can tell” he doesn’t feel as connected to you on days when you don’t have sex. You also say you “feel like he doesn’t understand” why you need a break. You have a lot of ideas about what he’s thinking, but have you actually talked with him about it? It’s time for a chat with your man. Let him know how much you love being intimate with him, and also that you sometimes feel pressure to perform more than you’d like. Assure him that you support his masturbation habits, but that you’d like him to make more of an effort to connect with you emotionally on the days when you don’t connect physically. You should not be punished for needing recovery time.

Above all else, know this: You should not feel pressured to do anything you do not want to do. You have to decide what a “healthy” sex life means for you and work to find a happy medium with your partner. If he’s worth his salt, he’ll take your physical and emotional needs into account and act accordingly.

Driving You Crazy,

mm