Ask Athena: I Want My Girlfriend to Watch Porn With Me 

Dear Athena,

I'm away from my girlfriend for a few weeks, and we have a few more weeks to go. We email and talk on the phone. I really like porn movies, and I'd never told her about that. I want to watch one with her when I get back. I wasn't sure if my girlfriend would be into it, so I sent her an email with a link and asked her. But I accidentally sent it with lots of other people on the email, including some of her family. I am so embarrassed. She hasn't said anything yet, but do you think I ruined my chances with her? Do you think I can still get her to watch a porn movie with me?

Signed,

Porn Pal

Dear Porn Pal,

This is going to sound bananas, but there's a silver lining to this embarrassing debacle. In many ways, this experience is going to reveal to you who your girlfriend really is and what she's made of. Hear me out.

Right now, you feel like a fool — as anyone would, given the circumstances. You're vulnerable and exposed. You've been getting up the gumption to tell her about something pretty darn intimate, and now everybody knows and it's all out of context. But the Band-Aid has been ripped off — the "telling her" part is over. And that's a major plus!

She's gotta know how stupid you feel. First, apologize for the misstep. If she doesn't say, "Hey. That was really embarrassing. Now what?" and give you the chance to move on, then, I'm sorry to say, that's a deal breaker. Regardless of her stance on porn, holding this humiliating email exchange against you would be cruel. Her sensitivity to your feelings here will be key in determining if you have a serious future together — let alone a hot night of porn-watching in the cards.

About that: Let's be real. Porn is more often than not a gratuitous display of demeaning — sometimes even violent or offensive — depictions of women. So, it's a crapshoot if she'll be down for it. The kind of porn you like may also influence her desire to explore the medium with you.

But you'd hardly be the first couple to use porn to spice up your sex life. If, at the heart of this dirty DVD date, is just your readiness to explore your sexual partnership, she ought to at least award you points for good effort. Right?

Yours,

Athena