Am I the Only One Who Checks Out Their Butthole Before Showering? 

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Dear Reverend,

Am I the only one who stands in front of a mirror before showering and spreads my butt cheeks to see what's collected in there? I know it sounds weird, but I'm always curious to see what's there before I wash it away. You know — lint, hot sauce packet, missing rent check, etc.

Suspicious Spreader (male, 29)

Dear Suspicious Spreader,

I don't believe I know anyone who does such a thing, but ass-crack hygiene isn't something that comes up often in casual conversation, so who can say? I certainly have never done this, but I don't have much of a booty. Perhaps the practice behooves those with more cheek depth — similar to how someone with a deep belly button has more cause to check what's in there.

I imagine that the amount of collected derriere detritus depends on a number of other factors, such as whether you wear undies and whether you make it a habit to sit around the house — or the bus — naked.

Whatever you may find lurking in your behind, one thing is for sure: A clean bum is a happy bum. When you wash, opt for gentle soap and water and avoid rough toilet paper. A lot of people swear by using wet wipes for their bum, but they can cause all sorts of problems, from messing up the levels of good bacteria in the area to causing too much moisture, leading to rashes and irritation. And their impact on the environment is downright stinky.

One of the best things you can do for your backside is to invest in a bidet. Your nether region gets a little shower whenever you use it, so you're squeaky-clean — and using far less toilet paper. Your tush and the trees will thank you.

Good luck and God bless,

The Reverend